a blog about men and women
We men pride ourselves in keeping shape (round is a shape) by going to the gym. After a nice hard workout, we like nothing better then crashing on the couch in front of the big screen plasma TV and drinking a cold beer. But often we are told to “get off the couch, you stink!” The next time she says that, explain to her, “but honey, the pheromones in my sweat are what made you fall in love with me!” This is proven by a study done by researchers at Monell Chemical Senses Centre in Philadelphia that found: “women are attracted to chemicals in a man’s underarm smell that can make her decide if you are the one for her.”
Well, the day you dreaded is finally here, opening day of another chick flick (i.e. Sex and The City). As horrific as listening to Celion Dion, having to go to the store and buy your chick some tampons and having to call her loving pet names like sugar bear, honey buns and snuggle poop in front of your friends, you are locked into watching the mother of all chick flicks. You’ve already endured hours and hours of watching the box set of Sex and The City with your girlfriend (involuntarily of course) and when you heard the movie was coming out, you tried every trick in the book to not have to see it with her. If the BAL, (ball and chain) is dragging you to see it this weekend, have no fear. Follow the tips below from eHow.com and with a little luck, you may get out of having to see it.
7. Suggest she goes with some of her girlfriends or gay male friends.
6. Buy one ticket for her movie and one for your movie.
5. “Accidentally” drive to the wrong theater.
4. Buy out all the tickets online for the screening she wants to see, then buy two tickets for the movie you want to see. Apologize that her movie is sold out and go see yours. If it’s a rental, call ahead and reserve the film for someone else.
3. Pretend to be extremely ill or “sprain” your ankle on the way to the theater. Hobble for a few hours if necessary.
2. Plan a romantic dinner at her favorite restaurant instead of the movie. Then forget to make reservations and go to the nearest sports bar.
1. Tell her that you heard Jessica Alba makes a cameo and you’re really excited to see it. Women hate Jessica Alba.
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Throughout history The “Man” has screwed us over time after time. Working for the “Man” has always taken up all our precious time, crushed all our hopes and dreams, underpaid and under appreciated us, but we have alway gone back to him, afraid of biting the hand that feeds us. But today, the man has gone way too far. The results of recent study has given us men the ultimate reason to finally quit our stressful and unrewarding jobs. The study found that work related stress is a major cause of Erectile Dysfunction (ED) and is associated with low testosterone levels!!! (For the record this study doesn’t really have any relevance to me because I really don’t care much about work or stress out over it and I know my male parts are working great because I “takes cares of bidness in da bedroom” if you know what I’m saying. No, seriously, I mean it.) The article goes on to say,
““Work-place stress clearly has a strong impact on the incidence of ED in men. Men should think about the underlying cause of their ED, including how to combat their stress levels; not staying too late at work, a balanced and healthy diet, and regular exercise.”
If the fear of ED is not a big enough reason to quit your lousy job, I don’t know what is. So men, lets revolt against the “man”, quit our jobs to follow our true dreams and go home and have crazy buck wild sex with our ladies!
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My girlfriend constantly nags me to do more chores around the house (”Do the dishes!”, “Wash the dogs!”, “Blah, Blah, Blah!”). I constantly nag her for sex (”Babe, I’m horny!”). Who would have thought that the two activities were actually related? Apparently, when men participate in domestic tasks like sweeping the floor, women feel much more sexy and find the man much more attractive! This is according to an article on CNN.com which states,
“…more equitable division of household duties may lead to more intimacy in the bedroom….When a man does housework, it feels to the woman like an expression of caring and concern, which then physically reduces her stress…A guy can be completely stressed out and want to have sex to burn it off, but women are not wired like that…Instead, he says, women need to feel relaxed in order to feel sexy — and it’s hard to unwind when there are chores to be done and a husband who’s oblivious to them.”
Wow! If my girlfriend would have told me this years ago, I’d be a lean mean cleaning sex machine! But to the ladies out there, if you want your man to clean more, but don’t necessarily want to play flog the dolphin with him, here are some tips from Joshua Coleman, author of “Lazy Husband”:
• Don’t be a gatekeeper: Partners who aren’t micromanaged tend to contribute more.
• Don’t send mixed messages: A woman may telegraph ambivalence by asking her partner to help, but then tell him he’s doing the task all wrong. Or she may not ask him to help at all, then become angry that she has to do everything herself.
• Be assertive: Insist on an equitable division of labor if he won’t take initiative. Say something like, “You agreed if I cooked, that you’d clean. You haven’t done that yet, so can you do it now or tell me when you will?” Or, “I feel I have too much on my shoulders. What can you agree to do?”
• Communicate productively: “You’re never going to get your husband to do more if you walk around broadcasting blame and shame,” Coleman says. Approach your partner with affection, keep the conversation brief and to the point, and use language that doesn’t veer toward criticism.
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Men think about sex every seven seconds. It’s true! When we watch TV, we think of sex. When we go to the grocery store, we think of sex. When we’re getting a root canal done, sex! (I just thought about sex about 32 times while writing this sentence.) Scientists say that we only use about 10% our brain. For men, I say the other 90% is devoted to sex. But while women may complain that men think about doing the dirty deed way too often, there is one thing that women think of just as frequently, SHOPPING! A survey conducted by cosmopolitan.co.uk found that 74% of women thought about shopping every minute! A psychologist at the University of Glamorgan reviewed the survey and went on to say,
“’so many women displaying this level of preoccupation, thinking about something once a minute, would indicate widespread addictive behavior with regard to shopping”
The survey also discovered that women preferred shopping alone because they did not want the distraction of their husband or partner constantly consulting their watch. In an effort to bring men and women together and more aligned in the thoughts that consume their minds, couples should focus on having sex while shopping. So the next time you think about sex and she’s thinking about shopping, jump online and let her shop till she drops while you two do the nasty.
My girlfriend has always wondered why at times, men are so overly impulsive and impatient. Why everything from hunger to sex to shopping cravings have to be satisfied instantaneously. During those periods of extreme impulsiveness (i.e. when we roll over in the middle of the night for a little something something, a spur of the moment run to McDonalds, or when we have to buy that new plasma TV) something animalistic comes over us men. We just have to have it right then and there or all is lost. Like a Golden Retriever focused on a ball held by its master, we never take our eye off of it, we are obsessed with it. Maybe I’m craving that cheeseburger right about now because I just saw that commercial with oh so talented Gisele! It’s true! According to research by the Journal of Consumer Research,
“desire for immediate rewards increased in men who touched bras, looked at pictures of beautiful women, or watched video clips of young women in bikinis running through a park. It seems that sexual appetite causes a greater urgency to consume anything rewarding,” the authors suggest. Thus, the activation of sexual desire appears to spill over into other brain systems involved in reward-seeking behaviors, even the cognitive desire for money.”
See! So don’t be upset with your man the next time he gets on your nerves for being impatient or wanting gratification at that moment. It’s just a biological reflex, sort of like passing gas!
We guys see it everywhere, at the clubs, the gym and the grocery store and every time we witness it we think to ourselves, “How the hell did he do it?” Yup, I’m talking about another ugly dude with a hot ass girlfriend. You the one, the Lord of the Rings Frodo looking gremlin walking hand in hand with his hot Victoria’s Secret Model looking girlfriend. Like a little boy watching a magic show we all try to figure out what’s behind all the smoke and mirrors of his trick: “That dude is probably filthy rich and she’s a gold digging tramp” or maybe “They’re from the south and that’s really his sister he’s making out with” or better yet “That chick is a dude!” Actually the answer looks to be much more simple than that. According to a study found in the Journal of Family Psychology,
women look for men who can help them reproduce, while men seek out a youthful, healthy and physically attractive mate.
I guess it pays to be fertile and fugly.
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Shoes. Like a fat boy in a room full of Twinkies, women can’t get enough of them. If left unsupervised at the mall, a woman will buy enough shoes to literally fill up her entire home. Case in point, after moving all of our boxes into our large apartment with three walk-in closets and one large coat closet, I told my girlfriend, “you can unpack the stuff while I haul up the heavy furniture”. What a big mistake that was! After coming up with my first load of furniture, I opened the coat closet to find the entire closet full of shoes! I headed to another closet…more shoes. Then I went to bedroom closet, low and behold, it looked like a shoe store threw up in it. I thought to myself, oh boy, I just moved in with Imelda Marcos! Is it really necessary to have 19 pairs of black pumps when one will suffice. The carbon footprint of all her shoes is probably larger than that of my car’s! Why do women love shoes so much? What do you get out of having so many shoes? Well, according to NYDAILYNEWS.com, shoes are much more than things that you put on your feet to women,
“Shoes can cost a fortune; yet while money itself does not bring happiness, a pair of new shoes bring on a kind of exaltation….More than anything else, women’s shoes speak the language of sex….we ask shoes to be our representatives. At any given moment, they are indicators of our age, mood and desires.”
I still don’t get it!
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Is it just me, or do women always ask men to take out the trash right when they are just getting comfortable and relaxed on the couch? What’s funny is a minute before men hear those precious words they were just thinking, “Ah man, the trash if full. I’ll throw it out before I go to bed.” But after hearing the order, something primal comes over men and flicks a switch that makes them not want to do what you ask. The automatic male response to the female’s request, “I’ll do it later!” Why do men automatically not want to do something after hearing the famous words, “Honey, can you …….?”
Well I think I found the answer, below are a few lines from an article by MSNBC talking about why men refuse to do what they’re told.
“Psychologists have long known about “reactance,” the tendency to do the exact opposite of what’s requested by a loved one or boss. The new study aimed to find out whether the phenomenon might occur at a subconscious level.
…..Further testing found that study participants who were more reactant responded more strongly to the subliminal cues and had a wider performance gap. “People with a tendency toward reactance may nonconsciously and quite unintentionally act in a counterproductive manner simply because they are trying to resist someone else’s encroachment on their freedom,” said Tanya Chartrand, also a professor of marketing and psychology at Duke.
So next time the trash needs to be thrown out, why not try a little reverse psychology and say, “don’t worry honey, I’ll take out the trash tonight.” Then maybe we’ll actually get up and do what you want. On second thought we’ll probably just think to ourselves, “Oh yeah, I’m getting lucky tonight!”
